I am now approaching three weeks being back home from my second attempt of North America’s highest mountain, Denali. This time has mostly been spent trying to fully recover from what ended up being a good case of bronchitis — my doctor called it “a complete depletion of my immune system.” In addition to getting back to work, I’ve been focused on regaining my health and getting back my full strength. I am finally getting there.
Before I write more, I want to first extend congratulations to my Denali teammates who ended up making the summit! I have been very fortunate to have met and climbed with outstanding people on every single expedition I have experienced. Also, I wanted to give “kudos” to the great guides we had — Dave, Jacob and Greg from Mountain Trip. They are consummate professionals.
I usually post my climb reflections after each expedition in a more timely manner; however, 2008 was very simply a tough and difficult year for me from a climbing standpoint. I really felt very prepared for both of the 2008 climbs. Getting to more than 18,000 feet on Argentina’s Mt. Aconcagua in February, and having to turn around due to a very low blood oxygen saturation (61%) was extremely disappointing. Then, preparing for my return to the very mountain that began the Expedition Hope mission in 2005, Denali, only to again become extremely ill and have to turn around has been very difficult for me. (Especially as Greg told my wife via sat phone, “He’s as strong as an ox; he was rockin’ this mountain.”)
These past few weeks have really been difficult for me, and have once again forced me to do a great deal of reevaluating and soul searching. My overriding thought is, “Can I do this any longer?” Each time I leave for a climb, my mother and my siblings get very nervous for my safety, and there are always tears at the airport. Our mother has already buried two husbands and two children, and I know the danger of these mountains frightens her. I know in the back of her mind, she’s thinking that she doesn’t want to bury a third child. Yet she always supports me and the reason why I embarked on this mission, but, as you can imagine, all of it weighs very heavily on my mind.
Then there’s my wife, who spares me tears at the airport in order to give me strength. She repeatedly tells me how independent she is, and that the time and distance apart is no problem because she knows how much I love her, and that our sacrifices and efforts will be worth it when she hears my call from the summit. I feel like I let her – and everyone else who supports us – down, even though she reiterates to me that it is the message and the process of perseverance and hope that make these expeditions worthwhile, summit or not. Still, this weighs on my mind too.
One of my Denali guides, Greg, who climbed back down to base camp with me, said something to me that really struck a chord. He obviously knew about the Expedition Hope mission, and he understood my utter disappointment about getting sick when I wanted more than anything to continue. Greg told me, “But if climbing a mountain was easy, everyone would be doing it.”
And it also seems that when I am at my lowest after climb without a summit, I always receive an uplifting email message from a friend or fellow climber. The following came last week from a teammate with whom I climbed — and summited — Russia’s Mt. Elbrus in 2007. Tom is an attorney from Denver, Colorado, and his kind words came at a particularly low point for me:
Joe,
Sorry to hear about you getting bronchitis on the mountain. I was going to email you sooner but I figured you needed to deal with a bunch of stuff and decompress. There certainly aren’t any guarantees on these peaks. I just heard from Roy (another teammate from our Elbrus trip) and he got to 20,000 feet on Aconcagua before his head hurt so bad that he had to retreat. Only 4 of the 14 made the summit. You’re young and driven … plus you have a message which is much bigger than you or any mountain. Push ahead as you always will.
Best wishes, Tom
Although the entire email message was uplifting to me, Tom’s last sentence, and Greg’s comment, were what I needed to hear the most. So, I am going to push ahead and continue to realize that our ultimate message is about overcoming challenges and persevering in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds. (On a side note, at this very moment, Tom is currently in Alaska trying his first attempt at Denali. I wish him a safe and successful climb!)
My father battled with the living hell called depression, and he ultimately lost his battle with the illness. We have stated since Day One that our mission is to help and encourage others who live with the daily battles and struggles of depression, or those who also lost a loved one to suicide, to know there is help and treatment available, and that there is no shame in talking about it and seeking treatment! The illness of depression can certainly be more difficult then climbing a mountain. But it’s facing the daily “climb” and taking step after step that will eventually help overcome this illness.
So, where do we go from here? I need listen to my very own message and continue with our mission, that’s where we go from here. Due to the “climb season” of the mountains, we knew over a year ago that 2008 would not hold any expeditions in the second half of the year. That plan has not changed. We currently have not set any 2009 plans in stone, but please continue to check back for updates.
Again, my sincerest gratitude to Eli Lilly and Company for their continued support of Expedition Hope and its mission to raise awareness about depression and the importance of seeking help. Thank you!
As always, many thanks to my wife, family, friends, co-workers and management at Shiel Sexton Company for all your continued support, as well as to everyone at Indy Crossfit. I could not do this with out all of you!
And as always, my heartfelt thanks to all of you who battle with depression or who have also lost a loved one to suicide and who offer continued support, encouraging me to stay the course with our mission, continuing to raise awareness about the illness and to educate others that depression is treatable. I will continue with our mission with you in my heart and mind. I know we are helping to make a difference.
Thank you!
Joe