With the end of 2009 only a few days away, and as we look ahead to a new year, new beginnings and new challenges, I have a few updates and reflections to share as we come to the close of yet another year.
These past several months have certainly been a series of big changes, and I am thankful for all the opportunities I have had and for the people in my life who have shared these adventures with me. I’m also thankful for the many people whom I have met and who have shared with me their battles with depression, as well as their heartbreaks at the loss of a loved one to suicide. We share a common experience and understanding.
After my return back in January from a second attempted summit of Mt. Aconcagua (the highest mountain in the western hemisphere), for which I did not summit, I was disappointed, even a bit shattered. Although I had reached a new personal altitude high of 21,700 feet on summit day, my ruptured retina, loss of vision and deteriorating weather did nothing to lessen the disappointment of knowing that I had to turn around.
On the long trek down the mountain and back to civilization, I had much time to think. My emotions went from anger to, well, a complete feeling of depression. I felt that I — and many others — had sacrificed much over the last four years to support our mission, and the feelings of letting so many people down was a great weight on my mind. Although when I returned home many of the wonderful people who have supported my mission and goals once again reminded me that reaching the summit of a mountain is never a guarantee, it was, as always, difficult for me to accept.
After being home for a couple weeks and giving my eye the chance to heal, I continued to battle with the disappointment and depression that had settled in. I talked much with my wife, family and closest of friends about how I was feeling, not sure about what the future of my mission would be. When planning the Aconcagua trip back in 2008, we had deliberately not scheduled any other climbs for 2009. This allowed me a lot of time to take a step back from “all the action.” Since Expedition Hope began in spring 2005, I had literally been away from home (and my new bride) on a major expedition about every six months, and supporting the cause of the mission also necessitated reliving the suicide of my father and repeatedly “stirring up” emotions that had been buried for many years. However, I knew I wanted to pursue this mission, and it has been a tremendous personal growth experience for which I am also grateful.
Another major change this January was that I returned home as one of the millions of people across our country who had experienced a job layoff. That weighed on me as well. However, with the deliberate “down time” of our expedition schedule, this helped me see that I needed to pursue my own therapy and pursue another longtime goal in regards to a new profession. I have in the back of my mind often thought of being an EMT (emergency medical technician). I knew I wanted to help others, but wasn’t quite sure what to do or when to do it.
I used my unemployment and free travel schedule as an opportunity to take several prerequisite classes as well as to attend an EMT course at a local hospital. At the end of the summer, I successfully completed the course and state certification exam, and I have been working as a new and fulltime EMT the last few months. I have been thinking about expanding my training and attending Paramedic school in the near future, which will require some serious juggling of time and resources … another challenge, but one that is really speaking to my dreams as well.
In the midst of all this, my wife and I have also been raising a beautiful Labrador Retriever puppy. We have both separately and together wanted a dog for many years, and the right opportunity finally presented itself. We got our little “chocolate monster” at eight weeks of age; he is now just under ten months old, and nearly 90 lbs. already. Taking care of him is almost a full time job in itself! However, his unconditional love and abundance of energy and exuberance for life has been well worth it.
So … the past several months have been extremely busy! At the close of another year full of changes and challenges, I can look back and realize how much I have for which to be thankful. Since the beginning of Expedition Hope just under five years ago, I have simply had amazing opportunities to spread the message of depression awareness. I’ve been on expeditions on six continents on the globe! It has been a rare gift to be able to do this and to help play a small part in furthering awareness about depression destigmitization and education.
I know we have helped others who battle with the illness of depression from the many e-mails, letters, cards and from personal conversations with people in my community, from climb teammates who shared me their own or a family member’s battles with depression (you get plenty of time to talk in a small tent perched high on a mountain).
I have experienced cold that I can’t even begin to explain, been stuck in a small tent for days during bad snow storms, ate my share of foods that many wouldn’t normally consider putting in their mouths, felt the physical pain of a heavy pack at dizzying altitudes, and, at every step, carried the emotional weight of our mission to support depression awareness.
I have seen sights and been places and met people that many can’t even imagine or may likely never visit … Alaska, Russia, Australia, Argentina, Africa, Antarctica. I climbed on six of the Seven Summits and successfully reached the summit of three of them (Mt. Kilimanjaro/Africa, Mt. Elbrus/Europe and Mt. Kosciuszko/Australia). Yes, there was always the specific mountain, but there were many people along the way from the various cities and villages … often remote and very poor communities that live at the base of many of these mountains, that I will never forget. Although there were sometimes language barriers, you can simply not mistake wonderful generosity and spirit in people.
For the aforementioned experiences and for the opportunity to pursue a longtime desire and mission, I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude and thanks to Eli Lilly and Company. This summer, I had – as we periodically have had over the years – as series of discussions with our liaisons at the company. Although I was informed by Lilly that they would be unable to continue their financial support of our mission on future expeditions, those involved with the mission the last several years have expressed their personal and continued support and have encouraged me to continue with the mission of Expedition Hope. My gratitude to these individuals and to the company in whole will last a lifetime.
I do plan to continue with Expedition Hope’s mission. I feel like I owe it to my father and to the many who battle with depression. I never put a timeframe on completing all Seven Summits, and there certainly seems to be no “timeframe” for a declared “cure” for depression or for the number of people who battle with the illness. The following is a staggering and troubling statistic reported by BBC News: The World Health Organization predicts that depression will be the second leading cause of death by 2020! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/485176.stm
I am not a doctor, therapist or expert in any way, so I cannot medically speak on all the potential causes of depression or treatment options, but that prediction is simply alarming. Depression is not a character flaw or sign of weakness. It is an illness like any other. In the last few years, some well known athletes, actors, politicians and successful business people have publically shared their battles with depression, and I am grateful that people like them have chosen to help raise awareness about this illness.
I am only someone who has experienced a parent who suffered from depression and ultimately lost his battle with it. I am also someone who has personally experienced the challenges of depression, as well as seeing friends and their loved ones struggle with it. I am simply fortunate to have had family, teachers, coaches and other many wonderful people in my life who understood and took the time to care that has helped me over the years trying to understand my father’s pain and to encourage me to work on my own challenges.
The mission of Expedition Hope was my way of finally deciding to share an experience that many others have experienced and to give some positive encouragement. It will be an on-going battle and challenge, but one that is worth fighting. Do you have a family member, loved one, friend or co-worker who battles with depression or has lost a loved one to suicide? If so, then you may understand. If not, then I pray you never do.
As we enter a new year, as well as a new decade, there will certainly be new challenges we will all encounter. I do not know specifically what the future holds, but I know that I will continue in various ways with my mission through local mental health organizations, volunteering, and working with people who have expressed their support in our continued climb mission. The following quote from Lawrence Gonzales is one of my favorites, and it seems to fit well: “Everyone has a mountain to climb … Everyone has a wilderness inside.”
Again, many thanks and gratitude to Eli Lilly and Company for their support of our mission the last almost five years. I will always be grateful! To my wife, I will never be able to repay you for all your encouragement, assistance and love. To my mom and family, you have always been my inspiration and strength through everything. To my friends, thank you for your friendship and support.
Finally, thank you to all of you whom I have met who have shared your battles with depression, or also lost a loved one to suicide. It was your battles shared and common experiences that always kept me motivated and focused on our mission. You will also be the ones I draw one when preparing to continue our mission. Please continue to check back for future plans.
I wish everyone a very Happy and Healthy 2010!